What's With Me???

Tonight, I posted about the girls, mostly, with a tiny bit about myself at the end. I am busy enough for two people, so generally, my time is limited to read other people's blogs. Well tonight, I feel like I have been a stalker! Yet most of what I read and saw has affected me deeply, I think in a highly positive way.
One blog I read addressed the fact that all of us think our children are the cutest, brightest, best, etc. I can't argue with that. And this friend is right to say that every child deserves to have someone who adores them that deeply. Then just as I mentally digested that little morsel of light and truth, I read one about how it is sometimes hard to open up and blog about "real" and "deep" feelings, beyond the trivial or somewhat shallow. Let's face it, we are all probably MUCH deeper than our blogs merit. I for one have not really spent much time at all blogging about myself, let alone anything that lets anyone know any of the complexities that I try to wrap my mind around sometimes. THEN, I came across the beautiful video I posted by Dieter Uchdorf. It built up everything I was feeling in my mind and heart like a musical crescendo, a bit of an epiphany, or more of an "Aha" or "Oh yeah" I guess. Especially the very last line, about how our trust and reliance on the spirit (faith) is directly proportional to our power to create. So guess what??? This could be the first of the occasional random gush of personal emotions on this blog.
I have done so much with my life in the past two years or so. There is so much to be happy about and thankful for. Yet, if there has ever been a time in my life where I battled self-pessimism, lack of confidence, and stuggled not to become depressed, it has been this last two years. I have prayed, but need to pray more. I have asked for husband's blessings, and my wonderful husband has always brought me comfort. I think what I have been trying to create is a stronger, new-and-improved
me, and the growing pains of this have made it excruciating at times. I think the reason for this is that I have have not once tried to simplify things so I can focus on the aspects I need to focus on most. I have just thought I can do a LOT of things at once and when they are all finished, I will be fulfilled. To a point that is true, but in a big way, it still leaves me right where I was in the first place- thinking of the times I feel asleep without reading scriptures, the times the girls fell asleep and we didn't say prayers, things like that.
I need to say this too, this "Superwoman Syndrome" has got to be deeply embedded in my very soul somewhere. I can honestly remember as a young girl thinking that I wanted to "have it all"- that I was going to be married and have kids, that I was going to have callings at church, that I was going to have a career, but one that allowed me to have a schedule very similar to that of my kids', that I was going to be there for all of their games, recitals, etc, and even be one of those parents that voluteers their time with those activities. The problem is that I love everything I do- but when I take on something new, I lose perception of the time commitment involved. Then I realize how insane everything is getting, and I long to simplify my life. Once something ends, it is easy to replace it with something else- and so the cycle continues. I did this before the girls came along, when I was a regular in the local theater circuit and in the opera in Fresno.
Okay, so I like to use my mind, learn, create. That isn't bad at all. It seems though that I do it at the times when I am longing most for a change in my life. When I was doing all that theater stuff, I did it all the while proclaiming that it was what I wanted to do until I became a mommy, a last little "selfish streak" if you will. Then the girls came along and it was pure bliss and excitement. Don't get me wrong, it still is. I guess what kind of changed for me is when I decided to go back to school and get my Master's. I got a little self-centered again and set some big goals for myself. It was so totally incredible to finish that, and I can't wait to formally celebrate it at commencement in May. The one little thing, the icing on the cake of reward though, is the new job. I KNOW, I should be so very thankful that I have the job I have, and that I can stay right where I am and get a nice little raise in August. However, the stars are still in my eyes and the fire in my belly when I think of being offered a position as an administrator. I have already had the opportunity to go to a few interviews, but for whatever reason, the one that is meant for me is still yet to come. I know I need to be patient. The Lord will guide me towards a place where I will be happy and I will know it's where I was meant to be. That is how it was with my teaching job. My mind and my spirit are at odds with this, and it is so easy for me to say what I need to do and how I need to feel. But actually allowing myself to do it is another story. Kris told me that when we were praying the other day, he had a feeling come over him and he could 100% see me attaining my goal. Of course I asked him "when?" like he would be able to answer that. You see, that is another thing that is engrained in my spirit somewhere. I have a hard time living in the here and now sometimes. I was one of those kids whose parents were always having to remind them to be happy, and not live too much in the future (like how great life will be once I can date, drive, when my missionary comes home, etc.). I have tried to control this, but so far only to a marginal degree of success. I do the same thing with finacial matters, too. Suffice it to say, that could be a another long blog...
So, this (in a very long winded and round about way) leads me right back to the title of this blog- What's With Me??? Well, what is with me is that the experiences of the last 2 years or more have changed me. In some ways they have made me stronger. In others, I still need to "step it up." Is it healthy to try to be "Supermom"? I think it is as long as you define and stay within your own limits and always allow yourself enough room/time to learn and grow spiritually. When you have that, you are also working on being the best wife and mom that you can. This is what I think has been wrong with me, and has left me feeling a bit "devoid" despite my crazy schedule. Thank goodness it will slow down a bit in April, just in time for Mallory's baptism, family coming to town, and then the end of the school year. I plan not to take on any extra responsiblities this summer. You heard me! Please help me keep this promise to myself and my family!
In all seriousness though, I will be fine, especially since tonight seems to have pulled me more towards my center of balance. Thank you for letting me read your blogs. I think most of you are younger than I, but your goodness and wisdom went beyond my years tonight! If you have any additional comments or wisdom to impart, feel free :)